The Payoff...

I remember, as a kid, always knowing what I wanted to be. First it was a doctor, a policeman, or a firefighter. Then I fell in love with ice skating - though we never had the money to let me take lessons. I loved watching gymnastics and ice skating on tv. My parents like to tell people funny stories about how they signed me up for dance classes to improve my coordination - but my desire to ice skate and do gymnastics was as prominent a factor as my inability to walk over a clean floor without tripping (it is still true, however, that whenever I was intentionally performing a physical activity I was incredibly coordinated - whether it was parkour, or climbing a tree). And so they signed me up for my first dance class at the Virginia Tanner Creative Dance studio. They didn't have the money, and I was much too young to contribute, but they did it anyways. My first class was great. My teacher kept pointing out how high I jumped to the rest of the class, and said to jump that high. I remember going home and wondering why we needed a class for that because I did all of it on the playground in front of our apartment. In fact, I was slightly dissapointed to learn that the movement I had created to mimic skateboarders was, in fact, already created and given the name of a chasse which meant "to chase." There were many other such discoveries. I was, I believe, a choreographer before I was a dancer. My first few classes were fun. But I felt awkward among all the girls. All the girls who were so much better than me and had friends in the class. I was the new kid. And I was the only boy. People are surprised when I tell them that I hated my very first dance class. But I did. I started to dread Tuesdays and Thursdays when we met. I skipped too many classes. My parents would get unhappy and so I started finding other ways to get out of them. I'd hide my dance pants and spend forever trying to find them - and only succeed in "finding" them when I knew it was too late to go. My parents made me go anyways sometimes. I'd pretend to get sick. I'd do anything I could to get out of it. But I still had to go most of the time. I loved dancing. But I hated being so much worse than everyone else (I had yet to learn the lesson that to do anything well, you must first allow yourself to do it badly). I felt so awkward with all the girls, that going to dance was just humiliation.

So... How did I end up a dancer? It was simple. It happened in one single conversation. Miss Ashley, my teacher, decided to reach out and encourage me. She is my hero for that - taking the time to say something to a kid that she could have easily passed up and forgotten. It was the end of the session. My parents had already said that they wouldn't make me take the next session. At Virginia Tanner we were getting ready for our "big" end of summer performance (it had something crazy like a thousand or two kids) and then the session would be over, when she had a conversation with my parents inviting me to audition for the Childrens Dance Theater! She said I was very talented and that she really hoped I would do it. Looking back, it seems funny, but that was all I needed. Ashley had been my teacher, and I idolized her because of how beautiful she was when she danced. So if she said I was talented, then it was so - and I just hadn't known it before. Dance was now something I was allowed to love. And so I did. I also auditioned. I remember the audition in vivid detail. So vividly that I can tell you about the movement game we played that was based on leap frog. You had a partner and had to repeat their last movement, and then do your own to get past them. They would, in turn, repeat your last movement, and do their own. Thus, you would do a leap frog dance around the room. I was partnered with a boy who was the younger sibbling of another dancer who would become my hero (Graham Brown). I can only recall the boys name sometimes - though I spent alot more time with him and his family over the years - especially Ginger, his sister - and should remember it - but I recall in crisp detail almost all of our duet around the studio.

I was accepted into CDT. I was ungainly. Uncoordinated. Unimaginative. Had bad technique. And was not creative enough. I was that way for most of my life at CDT as I remember it. I had a very hard time in my class. The other boys there were accepted easily for the most part. But I always felt like an outsider. Not that it really was the classes fault. They had been together for years. But it was difficult for me. Some of them actively disliked me. A certain girl, in fact, cornered me after class one day and told me that everyone hated me and that I should quit CDT. But I loved dance. So I stayed. I never completely lost my discomfort around my class. I was never myself in that group. I always felt far too awkward. It simply didn't work well. But that's ok. I got better. And I loved them because, quite simply, I got to dance with them. And in time, I made other friends. Friends like Josie Marine and Kiran Matthews - both of whom I still love with my whole soul. There were teachers as well, whom I believe God knew that I needed. Joni Urri-Wilson took me under her wing immediately. From her I learned to dance roots and wings - and gave me roots and wings as
well. I learned how to teach creative movement. From her I learned about juggling a million things at once and still taking time for the student that really needs you. She taught me technique. And she listened to my dreams and pains. She was, for many years, one of my greatest pillars of support. She still guides me, though she doesn't know it. I can't teach without relying on what she taught me first. The next big one was Misha Bergman. I don't know if she ever really liked me all that much to be honest - which makes me laugh as I type because of how much she effected me for good. I had done improv before and loved it, but she turned every class into a game - while still requiring me to start acting a little bit more my age than I did at times. It was here that my love for dance was sealed. It was in her class that my creativity was unlocked more than anywhere else. It was there that I started to appreciate those people who required a certain professional attitude. Then I got Tina... Tina Misaka was already my hero - and I don't know if I could really ever explain all that she taught me. If Joni taught me about love and perseverance, and Misha taught me about creativity, then Tina taught me about respect, responsibility, and quiet passion. She also gave one of the best technique classes you could find, and was an incredible choreographer.

So, I was taken care of. But CDT was still hard for me. My awkwardness caused a certain amount of pain. I went through a phase where I came home from every class and cried. But I couldn't quit. Dancing was in my blood now. I lived for it. So I kept going. I kept dancing in walmart, and the parking lot. I danced with Bene Arnold (who became another important mentor). I danced with RDT. I danced with Ballet West. I danced with Papa Chuck. I danced and danced and danced. Even when it was hard. Even when the boys were competitive and the girls were mean. Even when I was told I would be given a certain part and then had it taken away. Even when we didn't have enough money - which was most of the time. I worked to help pay for it (even when I could only get a paper route). My family made sacrifices for me. Teachers at CDT even helped at times. I helped teach classes at CDT and VT for most of my life there. I stayed in homeschool so that I could have the time. I passed up JROTC, though I wanted to do it, so that I could maintain my dancing. I passed up the spot I was offered in HS football because it was too time consuming. I didn't run for an OA Lodge VC position so that I would have the time to dance.

And so my life has been... But with all the work, and all the sacrifices from so many people, it turns out there is a huge payoff. I am able to have a life doing the thing which I so love. I dance. I choreograph. And I dance more. Every day, lately, new opportunities develop. I'm booked with various things for a year. I have more things developing. Not only that but I am the person who can't ask for much else in my life. I am who I am, in large part, because of those family members, and friends, and teachers who have worked so hard to give me the blessings which I enjoy so abundantly now. I am grateful. I am happy. I love the life which I lead. I love dance more than I ever have. I am blessed. Thanks go to God, and to all of you who have given me all that I have now, and helped me to become the person that I am right now!

Move and move again
Sean

Weather change, job change, and I am choreographing again!

I am a warm person - I have always told others. I hate the cold. Or at least that's what I say. In all truth, I love all four seasons. I love the warmth - but there comes a time every year when it just needs to start getting cold to keep me happy. So, as Houston has begun to cool down, I'm loving it! Farmington never really had much of an autumn - so it is nice to be somewhere that does. It isn't cold yet. Though a slightly chilled breeze tends to linger in the air. The leaves are just beginning their transformation - with little bits of yellow seeping into their green. People are wearing coats instead of shorts. It is, in short, beautiful.

I finally have another job. I can't really complain, I got one in theater after only having lived here for three months. I'm very excited. They seemed like great people, I like the environment, and they have a dance space! I am hoping that I'll also be able to help with dance for them, and possibly even perform with them. We shall see I guess. I will probably work there a couple days next week - and start working full time the week after that. If all else fails, I will at least be working in theater again - doing something that I love to do. And possibly able to use the dance floor every now and again.

I've also gotten some opportunities with local theaters. I worked overhire as a spot op for HCC last week. I'm doing the same thing for Lone Star next week. And Lone Star is considering me as a choreographer for their spring musical.

Speaking of which - Rose is trying to get me to stay at Lucky Strike for just a few nights a week. My instant reaction is to say no. I like Rose - but I'm tired of all the drama that goes on at that place everyday. Without saying anything bad about them, I think my emotional health might be better if I said no. But then my wallet reminds me that I have bills to pay... And the two nights a week would, hopefully, save me from some of the drama, but still pay me enough to help me get by. So... I haven't decided. We shall see what happens...

I am choreographing again. Those who know me know what I mean when I say that. I have dances that are fighting to get out. I need a knew dance notebook. I run around making notes about dance. Choreography ideas - from full fledged dances, to single moments. Notes on technique. Notes on teaching. Reminders to study certain movement relationships. Thoughts on dance theory. And more and more fleshing out of specific dances. My body is moving on it's own. I find myself dancing in the kitchen, in the bathroom, at work... And in the in between spaces. It's time to find somewhere to dance and start my own dance projects again... I am considering starting to write a weekly post on this blog that would deal with ways to find choreographic ideas - or perhaps a simple guide to dance choreography. I'm not sure that it would interest anyone - but I'm not really writting for anyone but myself now so that's ok.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am here in Houston. I will miss spending it with my family, but I am proud of having achieved my goal to have moved back out by my 25th birthday. I should be taking responsible care of my life, not living off of my parents, by this time in my life. And it's working - so I'm happy. I will, however, miss my family tomorrow.

I am off to enjoy this beautiful, chilly, day before I have to go to work.
Move and Move again,
Sean

One of our greatest weaknesses

Having begun to study Chinese in earnest - their politics, history, and language - I am quickly coming to find it quite interesting how ignorant many Americans are in relation to China. I have had such remarks made to me as: "Why in the world would you learn Chinese? They all know English!" ; "The Chinese really don't have much of an effect on the world outside of China." ; "They are all just dumb communists." And I could continue - some of these comments made by intelligent, educated, individuals. With China rapidly undergoing modernization (note that modernization and westernization do not always coincide - as some mistakenly believe that they do) with such a large - and fast growing - economy, I believe that if there ever was a time when western society needed to gain knowledge of china (and, I might add, the rest of the world) - it's history, polities, and what, essentially, makes it tick - this is that time.

As much as I love America, and am proud to be a citizen of this country, I am sometimes amazed at how little many Americans know, and are aware of, the forces outside of this country. We know, almost begrudgingly, something of the middle east. We know a bit about the nations close to us (both geographically and politically speaking). But aside from that, we tend to be left unaware of anything that is not America. Of course... A rather large portion of the population does not even care to know what is happening in our own government. So I may be jumping the gun when I start complaining that we are not active enough in gaining an understanding of U.S./foreign relations. But as it stands I deeply believe that we - as individuals, and as a nation - we would be better off if we spent a little more time educating ourselves in such things. It seems, however, that most people find it easier, I suppose, to stay inside the happy box of obliviousness. Ah well... I will do my part and, when the time comes, teach my children to do theirs.

I am grateful for parents who did such things as actually talk about the government; took me to major historic sites; taught me our history; volunteered to work at voting offices; served in the military; learned other languages; and grounded me in an appreciation for the opportunities - and responsibilities - I have as a citizen of this country. I don't take that citizenship for granted. It has taken too many lives - not only the ones taken in war, but those also which were spent in dedicated service to this country - to not have a sense of grattitude and duty.

...

This is an interesting article to me:
A Call For Free Press in China.
Many of the people I've talked to lately have been under the impression that people in China are either too stupid to know that things could be different, or are in bed with the worst sort of political ideas. I don't believe that either of these options are the case. So... Enjoy reading. And... Well. Go register to vote or something.

Move,
Sean

Sometimes You Simply Need To Feel

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to route all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to it's lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish it's meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it...

- from Walden, by Henry David Thoreau

These words by Thoreau have meant a lot to me throughout my life. I discovered them when I was far too young to really get the complete meaning from them. And that is ok. As with all things, our understanding of certain concepts is never quite complete. With new experience - our understanding grows.

I believe I was 9. Now I am 24. That has given me some time to think about the words, and what they mean. They have been on my mind again lately - for several different reasons. ... There are many emotions and thoughts that I can "deal with" myself. As if I were a mobster taking care of a problem with an associate. There are some emotional states where a friend - someone with a listening ear, a soft shoulder, a warm embrace; or conversely, someone who will slap me when I say stupid things and yank my head out of the clouds and back to reality - can really help. But sometimes, just every now and again in life, where there is no shortcut. Where you can't just get fixed up. Sometimes, in life, you reach an emotional state, whether easy or hard, that you simply need to accept and pass through. Undergoing the full force of the assault. And simply finding grattitude for the lessons you learn during those times. Because, if you can pass through it with a peaceable spirit, you will learn. You will not emerge the same. You will be a little better. A little more refined. A little more able to appreciate the beauty of life. A little more compassionate. A little more patient. A little more joyfull. And so it is that I realize I am in one of those states right now, with moving. And so I shall pass through it, and be better for it

The second large reason why these words have been on my mind roll down a similar track as the last reason. With everything that has happened, reading these words helps ground me in who I am and look forward. It is my quest in life to "suck the marrow" from life. "To live deep". To "cut a broad swath and shave close". And so I will do those things in this aspect of life as well. Who knows what I might find as I seek out someone who's soul harmonizes with mine. Perhaps she won't be interested, but I can still try to make her laugh once or twice and see. It is better to risk, and try, and find something amazing - then to never try so that you don't get hurt.

Life is good. I am worried about getting a job. But I have faith that I will. I am making sure to take the opportunity to notice the detail and the immensity of what I find around me. And there is much that is beautiful to be thankful for.

My family went with me to the beach before they left, and I'm very grateful they did. It is a perfect memory. Sighting jellyfish. Feeling the warm water. Walking and talking with those that I love. Sitting, in water to my chest, with my brother and father, as the waves and swells broke over our faces and made us laugh as grandpa ocean tried to tip us over. Noting the ships out on the blue-gray deep. I can't wait to go back again.

Move and Move Again,
Sean

Aaaarg! And WOOT! (I just became a craigslist hater and google lover)

Well... Today has been the day of sheer frustration. As much as I love craigslist, I hate craigslist... So, after hours of searching we narrowed down several places too look at to live. Started talking to them, and it seems that people think they can put anything on craigslist, and then change it as soon as you talk to them. the 500 dollar apartment becomes 750 dollars. The 150 dollar deposit becomes a 700 dollar deposit. The "No credit check, No deposit, Move in today" becomes: a credit check on both parties, 200 dollar deposit, and you can't move in yet. The 550 dollar apartment was non-existent, but hey, she can send you a list of more expensive apartments. And the "We'll clean it for you by tomorrow" became: we'll clean one bedroom for you to move into and you can clean the rest...

Needless to say, I got tired of Craigslist.

We were about to settle, but then discovered that google maps has a real estate search section that works miracles. We don't have a place yet. But we have hope, and a lot of places to look at tomorrow. Thank heavens! Keep us in your thoughts/prayers/chants/crossed fingers/pagan incantations/candle lighting ceremonies/positive thoughts in between DYI episodes/or whatever it is you happen to do.


On a separate note, a GPS system can be a lifesaver. However, it can also cause many much problems. While it's great in some situations, it can also plan crazy routes to things, take time to adjust, etc. The biggest problem they create, however, is this crazy reliance on what they are telling you to do. I.E. "Oh no, I passed up my turn! I don't know what to do! I can't turn at the next turn to fix it because it didn't tell me to... The guy behind me is mad because I just slowed down to 20 MPH in a 50 MOH zone. It's recalculating! What do I do while I wait?!?!?" If this happens to you, might I suggest reverting, in those moments, to using your normal sense of direction and figuring it out the old fashioned way. Let the GPS reconfigure as it will. Take a breath. Don't worry. You'll get there. And guess what... You'll get to go on a little adventure on your way. WOOT.

So... My mood at the moment: Tired. Frustrated that today was so stupid and that so many people think they can slide one in on you. And I feel like today was slightly wasted. HOWEVER I am grateful that we finally discovered some hopeful things.  I am relieved that we found them - though I'm still anxious and worried because we don't have a place yet. I am very grateful that my parents are willing to run around with us and help us figure life out, pay for things, and support us so much. And I think I have a pretty awesome roomate. Go4 is relax, chill, hard worker, and he makes me laugh. Not much to complain about. Just need to find that apartment.

Speaking of Go4... We went on a walk tonight with my brother once we got back to the hotel. It was so nice to be in a city again. To smell life in the air, to see vibrancy, to notice people who took some time to get themselves dressed nicely in the mornings, to hear people actually talking - something you don't hear that much in F-town... And many other things. The people here are awesome so far (except the ones who like the bait and switch approach to housing). You always have your bad nuts, but there are a lot of pretty great people who are friendly/nice, etc. I love architecture. For those of you who don't know already, I can find places with great architecture and sit in awe for hours on end, and keep coming back. It has been great to be somewhere that that side of myself can start to come out again. I'm sure I'll post more on this later. Let's just say that tonight's walk was rejuvenating and I'm ready to start again tomorrow.

Life is what it is. Goodnight. I'm crashing. We'll see what tomorrow brings... With all my worrying, I still have a feeling that it'll be good.

Move,
Sean

Hello World

Back when I was learning HTML, I remember that the first thing I was supposed to make was a simple page that said "Hello World." Hence the title of todays blog. Not that I'm feeling nostalgic at all...

It only took two days to make it here... the great moments included: Helping my dad fix the tarp, for the 4th time, in the rain and mud. Discovering that my mom is blind while driving. Having the GPS take a route that added an hour instead of the 5 minute route. Having the radiator explode when we stopped to get gas. And looking at Sam Houston's butt (giant statue. It was my sisters idea...)

Arriving in Houston

So, It's a new world. At least for me. I'm sitting here, in our hotel, in Houston. We've been here for about 3 hours now. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, and possibly a few other things that I can't identify at the moment. But that's ok. Amid all of that, I'm peaceful. And I'm doing the right thing. The only thing I'm truly stressed about is trying to get an apartment tomorrow. We've got several places lined up to look at - and if one of them works then I'll be ecstatic. But I'm sure we'll figure something out.

One of the girls I'll be improving with here told me that there is an opening at the front desk of the gym she works at. That makes me super excited for the simple reason that it means that I don't have to start jumping into a frantic job search in a week. :) Woot. Add to that that it's a job I won't mind doing, and I get a free gym membership, etc, it's not a bad deal.

And that brings me to the reason I'm here in the first place. To dance. Going back to school makes me feel... Not scared. I'm not sure what it is. I'm slightly, though not terribly, anxious or worried. I took the right route for me up to now. Dancing professionally. Running my company. Teaching and choreographing. It worries me, however, because I'm coming from a slightly different background than most of my fellow dancers at UH. I've been teaching dance theory at a college, dancing professionally, etc, etc, etc. Switching to the role of a student has some interesting challenges. I simply hope that it won't cause any problems. But I have faith. I'm super excited for the improv group that is starting here. I hope that I get a chance to explore some things with them that I haven't had the opportunity to really dig into in improv yet. My own improv research is at a point that I'm discovering some things that I haven't ever encountered or realized before. I am sure that they will be mature enough as dancers to understand it, I just hope that they are interested in it. But if not, I have learned one thing for certain, if I am interested in a topic of exploration, if I have a vision that I want to follow, and if I take the leap of faith to start heading that way, then there will always be those who catch onto it and follow. It seems that the universe opens doors for those that are willing to walk through them.

Now. It's hot. And I having a swimming pool calling my name!

Moving,
Sean